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Wednesday, September 26, 2018

Battle Gem Ponies DevLog #189 (Feeling Heavy)

     It's been a pretty funky week all things considered. Some good stuff, some bad feels, some future happenings. Very Introspective and... Just weird this week. I chalk it up to adjusting to a new daily routine after years of indie dev followed by months of stressful job hunting. 

Satisfy your curiosity with a bit of my chaotic life in gamedev. (Maybe there's something to glean from all these thoughts swimming in my head)

  • Adjusted Budget and 12 Month Plan
  • An Exact List of Materials Needed for Magfest 2019 Indie Showcase
  • Updated Personality Quirks of the Pony Roster
  • Learned About Some Neat Unity Tools
  • Updated to Unity 2018.3 (but it requires Replacing MonoDevelop with Visual Studio, which doesn't support my preferred color scheme, so I spent days trying to fiddle with it and got nowhere)
  • Cleaned Up Some Code
  • Wrote More YouTube Scripts
  • Plans for Crossovers, Promotions, and Collaborations
     Lessons Learned:
  • I gotta stop focusing so much on the future and look closer at what can be done today.
  • Recognizing that I had 2 years to get BGP out and failed did a number on me emotionally. Not completely sure what to do about that.
  • A new Google Play update says future games have to at least be compatible with 6.0 and above, then every year after gets pushed up a version. So to keep up, I can't offer BGP on Android 4.0 or even 5.0 at launch.
     Got distracted by adjusting to the new work schedule and studying all I can about the tools I'll be using. So basically another week went by with minimal BGP progress. Just lots of daydreaming about it, talking about it with friends, and tidying up notes, plans, and code. 

    Time to get serious. If I don't start cramming in those couple hours a day, this game's gonna be in development hell forever. Maybe the 2 hours a day spent in traffic aren't helping, but I can at least squeeze out a little time to make some kind of progress until I can move much closer to work. 

     Man... I just want this game to exist so badly. Just so I can say I finally did it. Answer "Yes" to all those people asking me about it day in and day out. So I can finally feel like I actually have my life together and can accomplish things I set out to do years ago. In fact, about a decade ago...

     I'll be applying a bunch of little tricks I pick up from work. Mainly in behind the scenes stuff in regards to version control, documentation, coding tricks, and presenting software to people who sign big checks on the spot. Useful stuff.

     You know, I've been told (by the voice in my head and a couple others) that I'm horrible at keeping promises and I'm better off not spouting off about my lofty goals or daydreaming. I need to focus on the microtasks. See what can be accomplished now, today, before lunchtime, by sunset, before bed. Not half a year from now. Not 2 years down the road. 

     I keep missing the mark and all its doing is depressing me. Straight up, for months it's gotten worse and I feel more and more like a failure, and maybe it's starting to show. That super intense job search definitely did a number on my fitness. Got a lot of new weight to burn after 2 months of minimal exercise and stress eating. So that's probably affecting my mood. 

    Knowing I'm 3 weeks away from my first paycheck kinda sucks. Then that's magnified by how it'll be only pint-sized due to starting so late into this month, so I won't be able to replace my car until the next payday in November. Will my ol' rust-bucket even last that long? Feels like I have a 20% chance of crashing or braking down every time I drive the violently shaking thing. And in some rare cases it fails to start at all.

     It's all kinda small, dumb first world problems though. I'm not dying or anything. I'm doing fine. Only things really hurt right now are my ego and my bank account. Things will get better slow and steady. Got a job I'm sure others would kill for. I still have all the potential in the world to act on. After years of wanting it, I'll finally have a place of my own soon. A place to be free at the end of the day, a place to invite friends to, a chance to learn to cook amazing stuff at my own pace, and have some time to play video games once in a while. I can look forward to going into 2019 with the world at my fingertips, so what am I still sour about?

     More and more it feels like people keep catching me with resting bitch face lately. Like I'm putting off bad vibes in person and people can smell it. Probably because I'm often staring off into the distance thinking about all the things that could've turned out differently. How life should've turned out better with a different decision here and a stroke of luck there. How I dug myself out of that darkness in high school. Everything I promised. All the ways I messed up... The missteps, the rushed work, the overestimations, the sacrifices, the damaged relationships...

     Fads and fandoms come and go, while I feel stupid for thinking somehow my work could win the internet lottery and be the next big thing.

    Every year that passed by, making me feel more and more like I missed my chance. All the times I could've done more but took it easy instead, like I ever had time to burn. Yet here I am on the edge of turning 25 and I'm as far away from any of my life goals as ever. I can still function. I can still put on a smile. I can still perform to the best of my ability. But after a long, eventful decade of "self-improvement", it feels like I have nothing but empty promises to show for it...

Or maybe I just get extra melodramatic whenever a new season of Bojack Horseman comes out. Who knows? Whatever. The journey continues.

     I'm going to try harder this week to squeeze in as much BGP dev time as possible. Let's see if I can hold up at least this promise to myself.

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